Setting boundaries with a co-parent can take your relationship from high conflict to low maintenance. Try these strategies for more effective parenting.
An ideal co-parenting relationship puts the child first. It removes hard feelings from the equation completely and promotes growth, communication, and cooperation. For many co-parents, however, such an arrangement is out of reach.
It’s not easy to talk to your ex-partner if you are not sure how they want to parent together. You might be worried that they’ll be mad or upset with you and will refuse to talk, but in reality, the only way to find out how they’re feeling is by communicating and sticking to your boundaries. Let’s take a closer look at what boundaries you should create with your co-parent.
Many divorced parents cannot see eye to eye on childcare issues, or worse, can’t separate their personal feelings for their co-parent from their role as a caretaker. When this is the case, it’s time to set clear boundaries so that the child can grow up without being exposed to high-conflict situations.
How to Set Boundaries
It’s important to set boundaries with a co-parent. Boundaries are critical if you want to keep the peace and keep everyone happy, or at least comfortable. If you find yourself struggling to tell your co-parent what is acceptable, here are some good ideas for how to start:
- Let them know that you intent to respect their boundaries and hope they respect yours.
- If you can’t agree, ask someone else in the family to help establish boundaries.
- Tell the co-parent that if they don’t respect your boundaries, you may have to resort to legal measures.
These five strategies may help you set boundaries with your co-parent so you can raise your child in a more peaceful environment.
Setting Boundaries with a Co-Parent, Simplified
- Parallel Parenting
- Use Technology to Communicate
- Communicate Regularly
- Make Emotional Boundaries Clear
- Set Physical Boundaries
- Get Support
- Be Flexible with Your Co-Parent
- Treat the Relationship Like a Business
- Stick to the Parenting Plan
- Keep the Kids Out of It
Let’s look at each of these strategies in more detail.
1. Parallel Parenting
Parallel parenting is a co-parenting strategy that adds extra boundaries where they are needed. Co-parenting requires a certain level of communication, but open communication can lead to conflict. If you want to reduce conflict, parallel parenting can help you reduce your communication with your child’s other parent to only what is essential for their most important needs.
2. Use Technology to Communicate
Whether your communication with your co-parent remains open or you decide to try parallel parenting, it is usually a good idea to use written communication as much as possible. Technology such as messaging apps, email, and shared online calendars can help you and your co-parent communicate effectively without risking the conflicts that happen when you speak on the phone or face to face.
3. Communicate Regularly
Co-parents must communicate regularly in order to ensure that they are on the same page. If you want to keep the peace, you need to know what the plans are every day. If co-parents are not communicating, disagreements can end up turning into fights that lead to a lot of tension. A simple text to let them know you are running late can save you a lot of grief.
4. Make Emotional Boundaries Clear
Ending a relationship comes with all sorts of confusing, conflicting emotions. A part of you may still have feelings for your co-parent, even if you know that any relationship short of your parenting responsibilities is doomed to fail. Setting emotional boundaries—with yourself and your co-parent—will help you keep your focus on your child’s well-being.
5. Set Physical Boundaries
If you cannot be in the same place at the same time, you may need to set up physical boundaries, too. Talk to your co-parent about alternating special events, such as games, concerts, and other school activities. If they agree, you can add these events to your co-parenting schedule.
6. Get Support
With all these emotions bouncing around in your head, you need to make sure you have someone to talk to about them. Talk to friends, family—whoever you have in your support system who can offer you support. If you can, talk to a professional therapist or counselor. Sorting out your emotions will help you provide your child with a good growing-up experience.
7. Be Flexible With Your Co-Parent
When setting boundaries with a co-parent, it can be important to find a balance between communicating clearly to your partner and giving them room to work. Communicate often, but not constantly. Be willing to compromise with your co-parent when you have different ideas about parenting or need help. Doing this will help create a healthy relationship where both people feel empowered and respected in the new family unit.
8. Treat The Relationship Like a Business
When parenting with a co-parent it can be hard to take your emotions out of the equation. It’s often tempting to tell them how you really feel about how they treated you while you were together, but doing so will only make things worse. On the other hand, some parents worry that trying to set boundaries might hurt what little relationship they have left with their co-parent, so they just let them run amok. Instead, treat your relationship like a business and make rules for how you will communicate and work together. Take the emotion out of it, but be firm so they don’t get away with disrespecting you.
9. Stick to the Parenting Plan
When all else fails, your parenting plan is there to guide you. Your parenting plan will help you make decisions, resolve conflict, and maintain boundaries with your co-parent.
10. Keep the Kids Out of It
One of the boundaries that all co-parents should agree to is that the children are not to be brought into any fights. If you and your co-parent can agree on this, then the most important boundary has already been established.
Setting boundaries with a co-parent doesn’t always work. Explore your legal options.
It’s not always possible to have a healthy, cooperative relationship with your co-parent. If you feel unhappy about a past court decision about your child custody arrangement and want to explore what, if any, options you have, get in touch with me today. I am more than happy to discuss your case.